I must
send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about
rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now
have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die
in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes
or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot
day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a
man along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a
cup water in the microwave anymore because it
will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for
life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will
get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda
, Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
change once I receive my free replacement pair
from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but
mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy
Rooney has given us. I can live a better life
now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab
my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no
longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from
certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large
dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12
camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician.
Right Webs 2 Go
